"He's bald. He's Romanian. He owns 33 cars. It's your favorite misogynist, please welcome, Andrew Taaaaaaaate," Piers Morgan entails with hope for applause, but alas, his show is left to a black screen, as always.
Love him or hate him, you have to admit that internet sensation Andrew Tate has left his mark on the world today. From his kick start on a kickboxing career, to elephantine hubris in shining his wealth upon the world, to his controversial blueprint of the world and a woman's role in it, Mr. Tate has effectively gotten banned from every single social media platform imaginable, only working as a direct counter to his effects on the world. By absolutely steamrolling the public, Mr. Tate has become both a legend and an anarchist, but at the end of the day, it took a 19 year old activist to put him in his place. Oh, not to mention a pizza box that has gotten him detained by the authorities. Buckle in, because we're in for a ride.
Andrew Tate was born on December 1, 1986 in Washington, D.C. From an early age, he was shuffled back and forth between states within the U.S.A before his parents separated and he was sent to England. Immediately, the pot began to brew as he was introduced by his International Master Father Emory Tate to the game of chess, where a practically powerless king must sacrifice and undermine the value of his soldiers and wife in order to ultimately win or lose a war. He took this as a directory for life in general, and began to form his appeals to the world through the lenses of the artificial, fickle world.
In the early 2000's, Andrew Tate was plain broke, and it was necessitated of him that he worked in the television industry in order to support himself alongside his brother Tristan, while kickboxing and performing martial arts as a side hobby. Little did he realize that this hobby of his would transform his legacy into one of the greatest British kickboxers of his era, as he climbed the ranks through the brittle rungs of ISKA's many ladders, ultimately decorating himself profusely before achieving his grand title of world champion from his division in 2013. Then, in 2016, the era of tame Mr. Tate fizzes to a pop, and the fuse that unleashes the man who we know today bursts from all angles.
Mr. Tate, after enacting as a guest host on the show Big Brother from British reality TV, had instantaneously come out as being homophobic and racist, with allegations piling on following his alleged attack on a woman only 6 days after being present on the show. Although that particular incident was staged and blatantly fictitious, it soon escalated into a series of misogynistic outbursts from Tate, soon leading to his ban from every single social media platform(although he was later sanctioned from Twitter because Elon Musk finds humor in the deepest depths of the universe) in order to completely shut down Mr. Tate's one-man show. And it worked, obviously. Right?
Wrong. "It was a complete and utter failure. The only thing it did was make me more famous than I already was," Tate had boasted regarding the event, and he was absolutely correct. His popularity had skyrocketed, and every scarce clip of him originating from podcasts, secret clip-ins from his fans, and videos on less affluent social media channels all ushered the attention of millions of people worldwide. Not to mention, through various arguably unethical means of production, Tate has garnered over 330 million dollars in assets throughout the world, making him one of the richest people in Romania and even Europe.
So that's it- he found the secret closet to Narnia, hopped on a horse, and strolled down into the businessman's town, with millions in his back pocket. Boom. Done. There's no way he could possibly upturn his stakes so catastrophically that his entire reputation and career is driven so far down the gutter that he can't get out, right? He's always been able to get out.
Enter: December 27, 2022. Andrew Tate wakes up one morning feeling particularly feisty, and desires to ruffle some feathers in the back corner of an alleyway everyone has instructed him not to go down. So he messages Greta Thunberg, a 19 year old Swedish activist, and essentially taunts her entire movement and green persona with details of his 33 cars and their disturbingly immense hothouse gas profiles per vehicle. The lever has been pulled, and the collateral was far too great. After a feud of roasts and snarky comebacks from Greta, Andrew Tate tweets out a video in which he takes the phrase "I know you are, but what am I," and goes for a ride to further please the crowd with a good heart laugh.
But that's not all. In the video, as part of his rant, Mr. Tate ordered a categorically "non-recycled" pizza box from a Romanian store for himself, with no affiliation to the company whatsoever, and adorned a mighty grin onto the faces of Romania officials. You see, the Romanian authoritarian police force wasn't actually confirmed on the fact that Andrew Tate was specifically in the vicinities of their country, and weren't prepared to sacrifice copious amounts of time and energy in an effort to navigate him. This pizza box, from a line only in Romania, exterminated the one doubt, the one hole in their counterattack thus far. They had him.
And so, on the evening of December 29, 2022, Romanian officials struck. The amour propre, as Tate would elegantly put it, of a 36 year old millionaire against the 19 year old activist who was anyone but a busybody was the ultimate demise of Andrew Tate. His carelessness to cover his number one base structure at home while glorifying his sheer pomposity pushed everyone to the edge of the seats and just over, and now, he serves his time behind bars, revisited and recycled behind the metal poles of one big climate crisis.
Happy Holidays indeed.
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