Mission: Improbable

 Mission: Improbable

By Aryan Mukherjee

     The commander spit his cigarette butt onto the ground and stomped on it. He frowned in deep and troubled contemplation, though the effect was likely cast from the plume of scars eroding his face. His protruding belly made it clear that his gluten-free diet wasn’t working out, and his undercut vest added to the effect. Finally, he broke out of his trance and faced us.

    “Your mission is to capture the diamond. Do so by whatever means possible, and know that you will be entering enemy territory, so it certainly won’t be easy. You have your orders,” he barked, followed by a sharp solute and “yes sir” by the army. I sighed. It won’t be easy, I speculated, as I visualized the terrified, pleading faces of all of our lost soldiers on our last mission to capture the diamond. If it weren’t for our tactical retreat, it would be the end of the road for us.

     As we neared enemy territory, I briefed through the plan in my head, thinking about the ins and outs, and I could conclude that the plan was extremely risky, but there were no alternative ways to retrieve the diamond. So, we just entered the enemy territory head-on, and snuck around the corners of their base while they were distracted. We were able to move incognito thus far, and the diamond was sneaking closer. Finally, we were head to head with a 100 story skyscraper, and the top floor contained the diamond. My heartbeat was audible in anticipation, and my stamina was wearing off. Taking a deep breath, my team and I scaled the behemoth of a tower, and took nearly an hour to reach the top with just some simple climbing gear.

     Just as we reached the top, we heard some voices, and froze in fear, our ears keenly listening from where the voice came from. Inside, a man spoke. 

    “Hee hee hee, now that we have this diamond, we can use it to power our giga-ray, and use the ray to destroy Kernel Roger’s base”, the slouched, spiky haired, mad-scientist of a man cackled. We gasped. Kernel Roger was our commander, and if we didn't stop this complacent man from wielding the diamond, our base would be lost. As I was compiling in my head all of the possible solutions, a distinct sound bombarded the air. However, this time, the noise didn’t come from the treacherous man, but it came from right next to us. We all looked in horror to our left to see the aftereffects of Major Rudy “Big Nose” Starch’s egregious sneeze particles fill the air.

     Suddenly, the glass of the building that we were climbing exploded in front of us, and a burly giant grabbed us with his 1 acre long fist and hurled us into the building, knocking us unconscious. When we woke up, we were tied to chairs, the burly henchman and his diabolical master standing in front of us, holding the ray gun to our heads. They snickered in sync, and it didn't take long for my vast reserve of knowledge to pick up on what had happened.  We were caught. 

     There are exactly 672973928 ways that the next five minutes could play out, and only 2 ways that my face doesn’t get blasted off. The first way is to plead for freedom and hope they are struck with a pang of mercy for my predicament. The other way is to untie the knot tying me together and strike the evil general while the others deal with the hunky dude. From the way my luck is going, I think I will go with option number two.

     It took a mere 30.1 seconds to untie the basic knot, and as the two men were discussing there diabolical plans, I gave a quick sideways glance to my teammates who had also finished with their knots, and we simultaneously leaned forward, the three on my right dealing with Mr. Muscle, and my ridge hand giving a sharp strike to the devious demon, who immediately collapsed. As I turned to aid my teammates, I turned as pale as a ghost who saw a ghost. My teammates were in the burly grips of the man, who hurled them across the floor like bowling balls. 

     As my trembling feet lumbered backwards, the man faced me with a menacing stare that could scare the hair off a cat. As he approached me, I heaved the 2 million pound ray gun off the floor and pointed it to the big bicep man. He wasn’t fazed, and tossed the gun out of my grips and onto the wall like it was a toy. As I whimpered like a sad dog, he gripped my collar and hurled me into the air, his fist at the ready to smash my teeth out. As I prayed to the God of Fists to grant me a painless death, I closed my eyes and my fate was sealed. 

    Or so I thought. In reality, what happened was that the man collapsed onto the floor with a THUD dropping me and lying there motionless with a 125 pi inch hole in his head. I opened my mouth, but no words came out. All I could do was stare in awe as Major Rudy stood behind the dead carcass, the ray gun in his quivering hands. Before any one of us could speak, and alarm blared through a mega speaker on the wall.

     “Hurry!” Rudy cried, the ray gun in his arms as he proceeded to scale down the window. I gathered my limp comrade’s bodies, and followed close behind, failing to rehabilitate my comrades on the way down. By the time we were at the bottom of the building, it was like a war zone in there. Hurriedly, we made a beeline for our base, making it there by the skin of our teeth as the enemy soldiers chased us down. Finally, we arrived, exhausted and flabbergasted, and in safe procurement of the ray gun with the diamond inside.

The End.